As we’re ending the 4th month of 2023 I am in a constant state of reflection. At night I’m plagued by anxiety. I know my writing isn’t that good. I know my crafts aren’t the best. I know I’m too old to be following passions I should have done in my 20s. It seems that the older I get the harder it is to close my eyes at night, my mind can’t settle in the quiet as the doubts, regrets, and embarrassments roll over me.
I am trying to be okay with my anxiety. I’ve been trying to put myself out there but honestly I’m scared. Scared of my own criticism and the imaginary criticism of my peers. I thought throwing myself into the fire I’ll be able to work through whatever mess is in my head. Sure, writing helps and reading positive affirmations are temporary. But I’m tired of the endless strain of crippling fear, that the slightest error in my life will be the end of the world. So dramatic right. It’s crazy that I understand the dramatics but something in my brain is telling me otherwise.
The positives so far, I’ve joined the book community in April. I’ve interacted with some amazing people and it’s been nothing but love and support. Other positives thus far:
- January: My parents decided to do a once-in-a-lifetime Family Trip to Disney World. They’ve always wanted to go and growing up we couldn’t afford it.
- February: Spent a lot of time with friends
- March: Celebrated my 3-year wedding anniversary, ventured to the Polynesian Cultural Center for the first time in 3+years, and discovered my favorite Shanghai Dumplings (Soup Dumplings).
- April: Launched my etsy page, made a few etsy sales, had my first 5-star review, and gained 100 followers on bookgram.
- May: Launched the Disney Tips section on my blog.
If you’re going through anxiety you’re not alone. As much as I feel alone I remind myself constantly that I am not. Hang in there, you’re doing your best and that’s all that matters. You are loved and you’re amazing just the way you are. Please forgive yourself and give yourself a break, life is all about making mistakes and allowing yourself to make those mistakes. If things don’t go your way it’s okay because everything happens for a reason. You just need to figure out what that reason is, maybe it’s a new opportunity or it’s a protection from something you thought you wanted but not what you needed. The pain is temporary and happiness is worth fighting for.
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